I live in a poorer country where I live with less than 10k a year. It’s low but since my country is generally less expensive I can live (and vacation) there with some comfort as long as I don’t go crazy. I’m a frugal person so I don’t miss out on anything.
My sister and brother-in-law went to live in Europe and they are doing very well. Together they easily make 200k. I’m happy for them.
The problem starts when I visit. The country they live in is far more expensive than mine. It isn’t always a problem since I don’t have to pay for accommodation and cooking at home is sustainable. The problem is they always want to eat out and do expensive activities (for my standards). And they always leave out the price until it’s time to pay since the price is meaningless for them. At first they would chip in until my brother-in-law started pulling “it’s your turn to pay now”. Imagine being given a dinner tab that is almost as much as your monthly paycheck.
Visiting has become stressing as hell, when I should be relaxing. I tried to talk about it, that eating at home would be more affordable for me, but they quickly go back to old habits. At this point I just decided it’s not worth it to visit anymore and blow my year savings in a few days. They’re not happy and, as much as I try, I can’t make them understand how much money I make. They can’t understand you can’t buy 100 euro meals everyday when you earn less than a 200 a week.
It’s also not much better when they visit our country but at least I know what prices to expect and since I’m home I can find an excuse to ditch them.
Maybe we have just grown appart and that’s that.
Demonstrating percentages is the only way I’ve been able to get through in similar situations. “This meal would be x% of my monthly income, I have to spend x% on rent and utilities.” Something about having that amount of money just fucks with your head when looking at raw numbers.
Hope that helps. I empathize with your situation. It does sound like they simply might not care and I would get ready to possibly have to accept that if I were you.
If they are pulling in over €200k between them that’s vastly more than a lot of people in europe, they must realise that. It’s almost MEP level of salary.
Saying something along the lines of a €100 meal is half of my weekly salary should be all it takes, if it’s the brother in law that’s the problem, maybe just invite your sister over to visit you?
Saying half their weekly pay still might not sink in until they think about the actual conversion. It would be like asking them to go out for €2000 meals every time you visit, and wonder why they can’t afford to keep doing that.
The difference is that there’s a lot more wiggle room at higher incomes. While it’s certainly a lot for a standard meal, it’s easy enough to allow a splurge while on vacation.
It might be easier to show the results - if I do that now, I’ll have to eat ramen until February to afford my rent.
Maybe we have just grown appart and that’s that.
Yeah, maybe. I’d be pretty damn annoyed too if I was in your position. I mean come on, if theyre gonna drag you to restaurants they really should just pay and not pressure you. They can afford it, youre there to see your sister.
Still. Maybe just turn down the next vacation, tell em youre trying to save money and leave it there.
Tell them and enforce your spending limits. If your meal budget is $20, don’t go over it. If that means sitting there and drinking water the whole time, so be it. When they pressure you at the restaurant, repeat your limit. Same for if that means waiting at the entrance for them to finish hang gliding, or whatever else. It will make them feel worse than it makes you feel.
Or, when they are making these plans, tell them you’ll meet up with them after. You need to do something else that’s more in your budget.
If they’re too stubborn or stupid to understand you have a different financial position then maybe you should stop visiting. Be sure to let them know it’s because you can’t afford it. The wealthy partner could be looking to isolate your sibling though so keep in touch.
I’m in a similar position in Australia and I no longer go out to dinner with friends looking to have a regular $60 dinner, a meal and two beers. For a monthly gaming get together the group goes to the pub afterwards, I pack a meal and eat it on the walk to the pub. I have three (up to five) of those get togethers each month.
Make it embarassing for them. They are counting on you to be too ashamed to order a cup of water and eat crackers at nice restaurants until they offer to pay. Maybe they don’t realize it, but that’s no reason for you to be more embarassed than they should be for treating you this way.
On the other hand, I had to grow out of doing just that and learn to have the actual conversation with friends and family that everyone else here is recommending. “I can’t pay half my weekly income for a meal at a restaurant I didn’t chose”, said firmly and at normal conversation level, and repeated any time the issue arrises, should definitely have more positive impact than making your presence small and convenient for them.
Lastly, please tell me you aren’t paying air-fare to visit them? They aren’t entitled to make you spend a single penny that you can’t spare.
I am, but I can afford it. I can make that decision without pressure.
If they’re making that much money they can afford to pay for all the meals if they want you there.
