As a former boy scout, my least favorite kind of person to go camping with is anyone who never bothered to figure out how any of their gear works. They inevitably show up in the dark and gripe about stuff like it’s in Swedish Ikea directions format, start off the first day grumpy as hell cause they froze their asses off on the hard ground and didn’t get any sleep. What’s worse is this turns them against the prospect of ever visiting the outdoors again and they leave the gear to rot in their garage instead of donating it to someone more responsible and with a more enthusiastic joie de vivre than them, namely small, poor children.
Load all their Gucci kit into a ruck. March 12km out to the middle of bumfuck nowhere huffing and puffing cause your shit weighs 80lbs before they gave you ammo, water and rations. Now you’re wearing battle rattle and hiking up Mount Fuckyou carrying a load of bullshit.
Get to the bivouac, drop your shit and you didn’t bother to figure out how your new inflatable mattress works instead of a foam hobo-pad the army issues you… Oh and you forgot to pack your bivvie bag and the ground is wet so you’re trying to suck and fuck your way into someone’s spare kit… Oh and you didn’t bring a headlamp for sentry duty and now I gotta explain the the Sarge why my 2IC is such a useless bag of milk and needs to see a medic cause they cooked their lower back lugging their kitchen sink up a mountain for a three day mission.
Motherfucker, if you listened to me and packed the bare essentials and threw your spare kit in the truck you wouldn’t be having this problem. Next time, make sure your goddamn flashlight has batteries and no, you can’t use my battery pack to charge your cellphone. If my phone dies what am I gonna look at while baking in the 40°C blue rocket? The same childish graffiti of cocks? Brother, I drew those cocks. I don’t need to look at them.
Might I add: My ass is 230lbs and I ain’t got a gat dang problem lugging my shit up there. Yet these young dumb lads think they’re the Morningstar’s gift to the corps and yet here they are crying to me that their balls are so chafed they’re bleeding.
Both saddened and relieved I never attained this level of …militariness(?)
The language alone is super kickass and I would have had a lot of fun bustin chops. I was out of there before I was 15 so it wasn’t to be.
On the other hand, damn, why was this even allowed to be an option? I guess it’s trial by fire but it seems like military issued gear should be the only gear allowable in that situation and that they would have gone through extensive drilling till they got proficient before getting into potential life-risking conditions. Honestly, looking back, it wasn’t much different for our first backpacking trips. We were still using terrible external-framed packs. My mom insisted on getting the crappiest discount ghetto-ass pack for me and I was in a ton of pain the whole time. Parents weren’t super into looking out for us back in those days. Years later, I got myself a decent internal-framed pack and the extreme upgrade made me want to go kick them all in the dicks. It didn’t cost one penny more, either. Just somewhat slightly thoughtful.
Haha, either way, I sure do love the way you described it. Thanks for posting.
Often, I think of this line from Deadwood when I read a description I really like. It’s not about the lying, of course. It’s about the turns of phrase and the storytelling. Thanks again.
God dammit Swearengen, I don’t trust you as far as I can throw ya…but I enjoy the way you lie.
IKEA instructions are clear, concise, and complete. A better comparison would be Chinese flatpack trash from Wayfair with poorly photocopied diagrams, inscrutable Engrish, and missing steps.
Very precise. I do technical drawings for fabricators and Ikea is the sort of gold standard, for exploded assemblies views anyhow. What I was getting at was another layer of insufferability which is the people that complain about instructions which can’t be any more clear, just because they are bellyachers.
I use IKEA directions as a barometer for basic problem solving skills. They’re designed to use universal symbols and no wording so anyone can follow them. If you can’t follow those directions, well… It’s not the instructions that are the problem.
If you can’t figure out how to build a tent (in the dark or not), camping clearly is not for you, or anything that requires the mental capability of an adult for that matter. That shit really is not hard.
Most the time, you don’t even need to stake it, just throw in the weight of your gear, especially if you grab a reasonably unexposed site and the weather is optimal. Nowadays, some tents are like two poles that snap together automatically. But if you’re a grump in the dark, it’s a living hell.
That’s a lost cause. You’re trying to wrangle a sail in the wind. And then what? You’re going to sleep in there? Might as well be trying to carry around sheets of plywood.
Once I got it hammered in it was a glorious spot of calm, though it took 30 minutes and some help. One or two guys said fuck it and stacked bags to block the wind and just slept in the open behind them. Can’t fault them.
As a former scout myself, I am perfectly fine with just a sleeping bag on the ground unless it is likely to precipitate in any way. But I could also build a simple shelter using materials from around the area if I really had to.
I got a really nice bivvie bag with a single tent pole and an integral bug net. It has been fantastic when the deer flies wanna know what your eyelids taste like.
This is exactly the reason I bought a car that can fit an inflatable mattress in the back.
Because I won’t let details like a lack of preparation stop me! I’ve prepared for that!
The ones doing this usually are not having fun and quite often ruining the mood for people around them. Bright lights everywhere, shining head lamps in the faces of sites around, loud, grumpy. Often I help them out simply so I can go back to my campfire in peace.
As a former boy scout, my least favorite kind of person to go camping with is anyone who never bothered to figure out how any of their gear works. They inevitably show up in the dark and gripe about stuff like it’s in Swedish Ikea directions format, start off the first day grumpy as hell cause they froze their asses off on the hard ground and didn’t get any sleep. What’s worse is this turns them against the prospect of ever visiting the outdoors again and they leave the gear to rot in their garage instead of donating it to someone more responsible and with a more enthusiastic joie de vivre than them, namely small, poor children.
Similar experiences with me except army.
Load all their Gucci kit into a ruck. March 12km out to the middle of bumfuck nowhere huffing and puffing cause your shit weighs 80lbs before they gave you ammo, water and rations. Now you’re wearing battle rattle and hiking up Mount Fuckyou carrying a load of bullshit.
Get to the bivouac, drop your shit and you didn’t bother to figure out how your new inflatable mattress works instead of a foam hobo-pad the army issues you… Oh and you forgot to pack your bivvie bag and the ground is wet so you’re trying to suck and fuck your way into someone’s spare kit… Oh and you didn’t bring a headlamp for sentry duty and now I gotta explain the the Sarge why my 2IC is such a useless bag of milk and needs to see a medic cause they cooked their lower back lugging their kitchen sink up a mountain for a three day mission.
Motherfucker, if you listened to me and packed the bare essentials and threw your spare kit in the truck you wouldn’t be having this problem. Next time, make sure your goddamn flashlight has batteries and no, you can’t use my battery pack to charge your cellphone. If my phone dies what am I gonna look at while baking in the 40°C blue rocket? The same childish graffiti of cocks? Brother, I drew those cocks. I don’t need to look at them.
Might I add: My ass is 230lbs and I ain’t got a gat dang problem lugging my shit up there. Yet these young dumb lads think they’re the Morningstar’s gift to the corps and yet here they are crying to me that their balls are so chafed they’re bleeding.
Both saddened and relieved I never attained this level of …militariness(?)
The language alone is super kickass and I would have had a lot of fun bustin chops. I was out of there before I was 15 so it wasn’t to be.
On the other hand, damn, why was this even allowed to be an option? I guess it’s trial by fire but it seems like military issued gear should be the only gear allowable in that situation and that they would have gone through extensive drilling till they got proficient before getting into potential life-risking conditions. Honestly, looking back, it wasn’t much different for our first backpacking trips. We were still using terrible external-framed packs. My mom insisted on getting the crappiest discount ghetto-ass pack for me and I was in a ton of pain the whole time. Parents weren’t super into looking out for us back in those days. Years later, I got myself a decent internal-framed pack and the extreme upgrade made me want to go kick them all in the dicks. It didn’t cost one penny more, either. Just somewhat slightly thoughtful.
Haha, either way, I sure do love the way you described it. Thanks for posting.
Often, I think of this line from Deadwood when I read a description I really like. It’s not about the lying, of course. It’s about the turns of phrase and the storytelling. Thanks again.
https://www.reddit.com/r/deadwood/comments/1e51dyv/daily_deadwood_quote_337/ldj8zhb/
People who don’t ever use their toys prior to executing the camping trip are probably amateurs in more ways than just camping.
IKEA instructions are clear, concise, and complete. A better comparison would be Chinese flatpack trash from Wayfair with poorly photocopied diagrams, inscrutable Engrish, and missing steps.
Very precise. I do technical drawings for fabricators and Ikea is the sort of gold standard, for exploded assemblies views anyhow. What I was getting at was another layer of insufferability which is the people that complain about instructions which can’t be any more clear, just because they are bellyachers.
I use IKEA directions as a barometer for basic problem solving skills. They’re designed to use universal symbols and no wording so anyone can follow them. If you can’t follow those directions, well… It’s not the instructions that are the problem.
Now I want to interview candidates with IKEA products.
I learned to cherish IKEA instructions after my first and last experience with those.
Based off my limited experience, Wayfair furniture is intentionally designed to be as frustrating as possible to assemble.
If you can’t figure out how to build a tent (in the dark or not), camping clearly is not for you, or anything that requires the mental capability of an adult for that matter. That shit really is not hard.
Seriously. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered anything more complex than: extendo poles make X, tent clips go on X, stake into ground.
Most the time, you don’t even need to stake it, just throw in the weight of your gear, especially if you grab a reasonably unexposed site and the weather is optimal. Nowadays, some tents are like two poles that snap together automatically. But if you’re a grump in the dark, it’s a living hell.
Dark isn’t too bad if you’re familiar with the tent but I once tried to assemble one in 30-40mph winds and that was a special kind of suffering.
That’s a lost cause. You’re trying to wrangle a sail in the wind. And then what? You’re going to sleep in there? Might as well be trying to carry around sheets of plywood.
Once I got it hammered in it was a glorious spot of calm, though it took 30 minutes and some help. One or two guys said fuck it and stacked bags to block the wind and just slept in the open behind them. Can’t fault them.
Ah, that’s a relief.
Like I said, small, poor children. Being an adult is not required. Just a good, fun attitude, with a willingness to learn.
As a former scout myself, I am perfectly fine with just a sleeping bag on the ground unless it is likely to precipitate in any way. But I could also build a simple shelter using materials from around the area if I really had to.
In North Ontario, the black flies want to know your next campsite location.
I got a really nice bivvie bag with a single tent pole and an integral bug net. It has been fantastic when the deer flies wanna know what your eyelids taste like.
Could you build a waterproof shelter using found materials?
Rope and plastic sheeting would be a minimum requirement for me.
Yes, but the difficulty would depend on the region. Somewhere with big fat palm leaves? No problem. A pine forest? That’s gonna take some effort.
Yeah I got really hooked on falling asleep around the campfire.
This is exactly the reason I bought a car that can fit an inflatable mattress in the back.
Because I won’t let details like a lack of preparation stop me! I’ve prepared for that!
Car camping like that is the best!
Dang, you have a lot of prejudices against me. And they’re all wrong. What’s fun about knowing how stuff works, finding it out is the adventure!
You sound like an exception, then.
The ones doing this usually are not having fun and quite often ruining the mood for people around them. Bright lights everywhere, shining head lamps in the faces of sites around, loud, grumpy. Often I help them out simply so I can go back to my campfire in peace.