I can’t remove accountability from these women for making the choice to marry guys like this in a relatively short time frame. It is, in a way, misogynistic and infantalizing to paint women as helpless victims without agency in this type of situation.
Were you raised to not speak up for yourself? Were you socially conditioned to be held responsible for the emotions of others? Have you ever been like that, and were manipulated by a partner?
I was, for all three of those. Thankfully, I was able to get away from the guy that led me 1000 miles away, using charm and lies. But I was a grown adult, in my 20s, and maybe at the time, I would’ve agreed with you - not only would I not have realized he was deliberately pulling my strings, but I probably would’ve been upset at the suggestion that I wasn’t making my own decisions. But looking back, I can see how little control I really had. Someone can’t give informed consent to a situation that they’re being tricked into, regardless of gender.
The guy in this article used “aliases, manipulations, and love-bombing tactics.” Such psychological manipulation can mess with decision making, especially if paired with pre-existing issues with self-esteem or confidence. I know the power of that manipulation is real because I, and many people (mostly women) that I know, have lived through similar experiences. It’s pretty shitty to tell a former victim that admitting to not having control when being abused is “infantalizing women” and that acKshUally I had agency all along. So many people struggle with feelings of responsibility after abuse, unable to accept that they were misled, unable to believe that they fell for an abusive charmer. To finally come to terms with having been powerless is a huge step and it takes a lot of humility.
So please, just listen to my experience and believe my words. I’m not trying to argue with anyone. I can’t expect anyone who hasn’t been psychologically manipulated to fully understand what it’s like, but it’s important to know that being in that state interferes with rational thinking. The closest thing I can compare it to is highly effective propaganda - the kind that is so good at convincing a person of something, that they don’t realize they’ve been subject to propaganda at all.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I acknowledge that I have privileges I’m not fully aware of that protect me from this kind of manipulation and influence and that is something I’ll have to reflect on more closely.
Were you raised to not speak up for yourself? Were you socially conditioned to be held responsible for the emotions of others? Have you ever been like that, and were manipulated by a partner?
I was, for all three of those. Thankfully, I was able to get away from the guy that led me 1000 miles away, using charm and lies. But I was a grown adult, in my 20s, and maybe at the time, I would’ve agreed with you - not only would I not have realized he was deliberately pulling my strings, but I probably would’ve been upset at the suggestion that I wasn’t making my own decisions. But looking back, I can see how little control I really had. Someone can’t give informed consent to a situation that they’re being tricked into, regardless of gender.
The guy in this article used “aliases, manipulations, and love-bombing tactics.” Such psychological manipulation can mess with decision making, especially if paired with pre-existing issues with self-esteem or confidence. I know the power of that manipulation is real because I, and many people (mostly women) that I know, have lived through similar experiences. It’s pretty shitty to tell a former victim that admitting to not having control when being abused is “infantalizing women” and that acKshUally I had agency all along. So many people struggle with feelings of responsibility after abuse, unable to accept that they were misled, unable to believe that they fell for an abusive charmer. To finally come to terms with having been powerless is a huge step and it takes a lot of humility.
So please, just listen to my experience and believe my words. I’m not trying to argue with anyone. I can’t expect anyone who hasn’t been psychologically manipulated to fully understand what it’s like, but it’s important to know that being in that state interferes with rational thinking. The closest thing I can compare it to is highly effective propaganda - the kind that is so good at convincing a person of something, that they don’t realize they’ve been subject to propaganda at all.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I acknowledge that I have privileges I’m not fully aware of that protect me from this kind of manipulation and influence and that is something I’ll have to reflect on more closely.