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Cake day: November 20th, 2024

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  • I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

    “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

    “What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

    “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

    The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

    “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

    “Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

    He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

    “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

    I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

    “Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

    “Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

    “Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

    It didn’t seem like they did.

    “Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

    Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

    I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

    “Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

    Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

    “Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

    I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

    He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

    “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

    “Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

    “Because I was afraid.”

    “Afraid?”

    “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

    I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

    “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

    He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.







  • wraithcoop@programming.devto196@lemmy.blahaj.zoneRule
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    1 month ago

    Ah yeah, that’s certainly something to be aware of. The brand I get is local to my state, so I looked into them. They have a few different types of eggs that I wasn’t really sure what the differences were when I saw them in the store - “free range”, “pasture raised”, “free roaming”, not industry standards or certified in any sense - but they describe what they are on their site. Whether or not they’re telling the truth, though 🤷

    I’ve heard of just egg, I’ll see if I can find some. I like trying things out. I’ve made vegan mayo before and it was pretty good!



  • Isn’t this totally ignoring the geopolitical position of Ukraine though? They’re a bulwark against (physical) Russian aggression toward the EU. Abandoning that puts a strain on US relations with the rest of the world, by design. What happens after this? Russia isn’t going to suddenly stop trying to colonize areas next to them.

    Instead of being a great “business deal” for the US, it’s pushing the rest of the world away, forcing the US to use bully tactics and physical threats rather than actual diplomacy because Trump can only see it as zero-sum, or more likely is intentionally sabotaging our relationships.

    I suppose actually understanding nuance and the consequences of your actions are not something he is capable of, though.


  • “How is ice-skating going to teach [kids] how to navigate recovery, how to address these issues within their home, how to understand the disease of addiction?”

    Maybe by giving them something to do other than drugs? An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. They get free admission for completing the DARE program which (in theory) educates them on exactly that. In my experience it was mostly fear mongering but that’s a separate issue that needs addressing.

    It’s not even a significant portion of the funds they’re getting, can these people see past their own noses?