- cross-posted to:
- theonion@midwest.social
- cross-posted to:
- theonion@midwest.social
Billionaire Elon Musk, found dead in his home last night, says it is not the role of social media networks to determine what is true or not.
The Tesla and X owner, who is believed to have died from a heroin overdose while watching animal porn, said he would fight any attempts to stop the spread of misinformation on his platform.
Police revealed that Musk, who says it is up to the public to decide what was true or not, had been fighting incest charges at the time of his death.
His funeral is next week.
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You fuck. Don’t scare me with a good time.
I know! I actually squeaked with delight, then felt crushing disappointment, all from one title.
Fastest I’ve ever lost a boner.
Had me in the first half
Shit I saw this a day or three ago and it still got me lol.
Probably the spiciest instance of fighting fire with fire I’ve ever seen
I remember seeing one about zuck a few years back. Apparently the chaser said mark zuck was a child molester though the actual web page has since been taken down.
Aw c’mon don’t tease us like that!
Well I, as a member of the public, choose to believe him being dead as true, as he wished in life.
*sheds a single tear*
He died doing what he loved. Hoarding a measure of wealth that the human brain isn’t capable of comprehending, while the rest of us are left budgeting for god damned eggs.
Millionaire and soon-to-be indicted Elon Musk, found dead in his home last night, says it is not the role of social media networks to determine what is true or not.
That ought to get his attention
He’s only 52?
He looks like someone 15 years older whose had too much plastic surgery
It’s the drugs.
Drugs don’t make people looks like low quality wax models…
It’s the plastic surgery
Looks like he paid the surgeon with Tesla shares.
Drugs make you look older, which is why he had so much plastic surgery that makes him look like a ghoul.
Can confirm, look 10 years older than I am due to past drug use and other health problems (some of which are related to the drug use, some of which the drug use is a symptom of)
He’s actually 74, I read it on the Xitter so it must be true.
52 is the average age of his body parts.
That’s the look he’s going for
They really had us in the beginning, and the middle, they actually had us the whole time, and I take every word as true.
Elon Musk, the well-known pedophile? That Elon Musk?
The guy who implied or outright said the only reason for a man to visit Thailand is to have sex with children after recently having visited Thailand himself?
It’s been 5 hours and I don’t see a denial here, it must be true!
People are just asking questions
Pretty sure we can all conjecture he’s a pedophile now.
I’ve assumed elon was a pedo ever since he accused that one diver of being one.
Every accusation is an admission.
Many people are saying it. More and more.
Say it with tuckers diarrhea face but pose it as a question.
“They don’t want you to question about Musk and his “entertainment”. However, we’re asking because many people are saying it. Is Musk a pedophile? Some people think so and those people need to be listened too. The government doesn’t want these people speaking out. Why is that? Why won’t the government let this people speak?”
That is too accurate it’s uncanny. Thanks I hate it.
Mr. Musk, what do you have to say to all the people out there who believe you’re a pedophile?
You don’t get incest charges for no reason whatsoever
Is incest an actual crime?
In some places.
I’ve heard he has so many kids because he likes his own supply and he travels around because he likes the thrill of flouting laws openly with his billionaire immunity.
I’ve also heard rumors about there being a good reason why you only see him from the chest up in interviewsEw! Sex with children is a crime across the entire country. That’s a whole different type of incest that involves heavy abuse. I mean it’s all gross to me, but if someone wants to do stuff with their siblings that’s gross to me, but whatever. If someone wants to do stuff to their child, they should be flogged and then imprisoned for life.
Why is he only shown from the chest up? I don’t get the implication.
Fellatio.
Oftentimes from the caterer. I don’t know why. Might want to fact check that one
elon musk, one of the world’s most outspoken furries, dead today after his head fell off immediately after he set the world record for the amount of penises simultaneously inserted into a human body. Per his will, his body will be hollowed out and used as a urinal for truckers with active, untreated STDs. He is survived by several people that didn’t love him for a single day of his worthless life.
Hey, you can… you can respectfully keep furries out of this one. Just saying. We’ve got nothing to do with that mess. This time at least.
Yeah - get it right, people! The tech furries work under Elon!
I heard a completely different story. I heard he was alive but in a bid to own the libs had castrated himself. No need for misinformation laws when rumors abound.
Okay, this is genius, and I thought it was legit for a minute.
If you believe in it, it’s true!
The billionaire grifter well known for lying and making money off of his lies, is against misinformation laws? Wow I am so surprised. He always struck me as a stand-up, honourable kind of chap.
Okay guys be honest for a second with me here do you think his hair transplant was like the single most effective thing he’s done for his own public image? I think it might be. If you look at the before and after pictures that motherfucker is super bald at a young age, but just deluded enough to not have shaven his head. If you look at him now and sort of at his height in public good will with teslas and what have you, bang, full head of hair. Did it give him more confidence to spiral from a minor silicon valley douche into a full turbodouche? Or did it just masquerade the true baldness of the soul with which he is plagued? I dunno. Nobody holds any good sentiments about jeff bezos, and that man looks like a shorter lex luthor. I mean everyone also things zuck is a lizard man or a robot or whatever, and he has hair I guess, but I dunno.
Am I reading too much into his former baldness?
All I know is that I wish I could afford as good of a hair transplant as he or Gordon Ramsay have. I guess I could afford one once, but if it keeps falling out then it’s just going to look even worse after the transplant. I think you need the money to get follow-up transplants for the rest of your life, and I’d rather spend that money on life experiences, hobbies, or retirement.
I mean there’s always potentially rogaine and a bunch of other products that are supposed to help prevent hair loss, but I don’t really know whether or not they work very well, or would work for a hair transplant.
I dunno, I do think wigs are kind of underrated. I’ve seen cosplayers with all kinds of crazy styled anime wigs. Most middle aged white guys in a mid life kind of aesthetic grapple might either shave their head bald and try to grow out a really long beard, and wear like, reflective oakleys or pit vipers or whatever, and then the richer ones can just afford to get a hair transplant in turkey or mexico or whatever. Me personally, I think that the sick goku wig is a better approach.
I mean there’s always potentially rogaine and a bunch of other products that are supposed to help prevent hair loss,
Unfortunately none of those have worked for me. I haven’t tried finesteride, but the risks outweigh the rewards for me, so I won’t be trying it.
Just go the Bill Bailey route, brother. Got to have a likeable rocking personality too, though.
Ha! Thankfully my hair isn’t even close to that far gone… yet. Hopefully it never gets to that point. I was thinking about growing it out and letting it go crazy like Jack Nicholson, but my wife was very clear that I’m not Jack Nicholson and she does not want me to do that.
I don’t know why men try. An older man with a full head of hair is a bit creepy.
What about guys who just naturally have full hair?
I still think it’s a bit creepy. But my dad and other male family members started going bald early, so it’s what I’m used to.
I think it’s attractive.
Well at least there’s one person who likes it! You and Marisa Tomei from that old Seinfeld episode.
Misinfo! How can he argue against misinformation laws when he actually died five years ago and has been played by a stunt double this whole time?
Just a regular double will do. I’ve never seen musk do anything physical to require a stunt double.
More like a stunted double.
The before and after photos are undeniable.
