Yes, this is a real Am I The Asshole, not one where the answer is super obvious and the user is just looking to have their ego stroked.
My SO has BDD and genuinely thinks they look ugly naked. I think they’re 1000% incorrect and that they’re the sexiest human alive, and I would die happy if I could see them naked all the time.
I was diagnosed with a condition called Cone Rod Dystrophy which basically means I’ll lose color vision, then all vision. The timeline is anywhere from next week to 50 years from now.
I want to see them naked every chance I can get so I can cement it in my head before I go blind, but I feel gross for posing that as a reason to let me see them naked.
Like, in the 10 years we’ve been together I’ve never even asked them for a hand job if they didn’t feel up to sex because I didn’t want to seem like a callous asshole, so this would be a big ask from me.
To add in complications, they’re also on the spectrum. Not a criticism since I’m most likely on it too.
The hard part is that they’ve stated that the reason they don’t offer to get me off when they’re not up to sex is because I don’t ask enough, but I don’t ask enough because if they’re not feeling well enough for sex then it seems shitty of me to ask for personal gratification at all.
But it’s really hard to gauge when they’re not feeling well enough to do anything, and when they’re well enough to do it
Not that me cumming is directly relational to me seeing them naked, but it speaks to my hesitation to ask. Because I do ask to see, but they seem to intentionally conflate me asking to see with me asking for sex, even though I’ve explained that when I ask to see I’m literally asking to see them naked.
I have asked for them to think of a way I can ask for personal gratification without seeming callous to their feelings, but like most requests of this nature it falls on deaf ears. Probably because they’re demisexual and don’t really understand a cis gendered straight male on testosterone’s sex drive.
We have sex every day, so that’s not our issue, but on asking for stuff we do have differences. I won’t ask for something unless I need it, husband will ask for stuff, but he is literally just asking and fine with a no. I have different ways of asking when I don’t need something, will ask ABOUT things I don’t need, like “would you consider” or “what do you think about” but if I say “would you please do X” it’s because I NEED you to do that.
So you may think asking is applying pressure, but she may, like my husband, just think it’s a multiple choice question with no as good an answer as yes.
It’s because they aren’t attracted to you anymore. You aren’t making her wet. Your personality and manipulations and probably other relationship issues are contributing. The New Sex Therapy by Kaplan is a book that basically says this exact issue is caused by that. You probably need months of couples therapy and letting her let you know when she is ready and letting her reject you. It may take years if the problem is because she had sex out of obligation (self rape in a way, perhaps rape by you if you’re always coercive like in the OP). She may never heal and may never enjoy sex with you or anyone again.
That seems like a massive reach.
Excuses are never useful as a replacement for good communication.
Of course not, but when good communication is stifled by a field of eggshells, you do what you can.
Our communication on the subject is pretty good, but that alone doesn’t solve the issue. It’s hard to see a way to open that line of communication without them being offended
The hard part is communicating my needs without trampling on their feelings, because at a certain point the onus shifts off of me and I don’t want my SO to have that pressure
That’s right. There are better things that can be done with feelings.
Such as?
This is the point at which you should begin looking for a couples therapist