Edit: to clarify what I’ve noticed is a point of contention, by “break-up” I don’t mean I believe we’re together, or expecting this to follow romantic relational patterns, or anything of the sort, I was referring to a general concept of “this is over,” meaning any level of interaction. Nor am I waiting for a confirmation of anything developing from her. I genuinely just wanted to get closure and confirm the ghost.
Me again… and, yes, this is a continuation of this and this.
TL;DR: first crush and best friend in high-school reached out after 20 years of not talking, I fell in love with her again, she gave me mixed messages when I tried backing off, and then everything turned ugly when she thought I was pressuring her into defining a relationship by asking her once if she still wanted to chat. Had a brief argument around reading comprehension and semantics, then she vanished mid-conversation for two weeks.
Now that we’re caught up, I sent her a text on Saturday, trying to tie up all loose ends. Basically, I wanted to confirm the ghost, see if she really just decided to not deal with this, or if something else happened. Sent her the message, waited for about 6-7 hours, then sent a “Hint taken, have a good’un” (not verbatim).
She then replied saying she started having side-effects from recent medication and felt she didn’t have the mental space to handle more than one thing at a time. She concluded with “but I did not mean it to end in silence.” Didn’t probe any further, told her to drop a line when she feels like it, that there’s no pressure now as there was none before.
After sleeping on it for the rest of the weekend, I now feel like I’m just waiting for a “break-up” text. In which case, I’d honestly just rather end it now and spare myself the indeterminate amount of time I’ll have to spend in expectation of her message, but i don’t want to do anything rash because I know I’m not even close to thinking straight now.
I, again, ask and thank you for any insight. I wish this’d just end already, I swear, I feel that I just need a clear conclusion right now…
like I’m just waiting for a “break-up” text. In which case, I’d honestly just rather end it now
There is no “it”. You can’t receive a breakup text because you’re not together.
I feel that I just need a clear conclusion right now…
Here it is:
she didn’t have the mental space to handle more than one thing at a time
There is nothing there for you. Move on.
Replying from this account because I can’t see your comment with my other one.
Related to the break-up text, that’s why I put it in quotes - I didn’t mean it in a “together” way, but in a “not even a continued friendship” one.
Honestly, that’s what I feel, too. If I look at it rationally, there’s really no other possibility…
Thank you!
I will be harsh.
You sound overbearing and self-centered. She told you where she stands (take it slow and see where it goes), but that is not what you want so you requested more commitment. She backed off, you still look for more commitment. She is having a medical episode and you want answers. Now you are expecting a break-up text, but were you actually dating?
You went from 0 to 100 really quickly for someone that chatted with you. This to me seems the behavior of a teen learning emotional regulation, not someone much older with a broad support network. If I had reconnected with a long lost friend and gotten this reaction, I would have backed out really quickly. It does not feel balanced and healthy.
I understand why you’d say that in that context, but I insist that I did not pressure her into anything.
Yes, I am not dealing well with this, because the entire thing felt off from the start. I actually wanted to back off entirely when I realised what was happening with me, precisely because I didn’t want to do one-sided stuff anymore.
The only things she got from me were honesty and transparency. I didn’t impose myself on her, I didn’t bug her, I didn’t even initiate conversations most of the time, I’ve let her define the rhythm of everything, and get as many details as she felt she wanted through asking questions.
The only time I asked her to define anything was during our last convesation, when I could tell things were getting way tenser than the subject matter would imply, and I simply asked her if she still wanted to chat - I did not make reference to defining anything romantic, I did not ask repeatedly (once, then apologised and wished her good night), she doesn’t even know the full extent of my destabilisation because I considered it to not be her problem.
So, while I appreciate your insight, I vehemently disagree that it would apply in this scenario. I’m sorry, just not the case.
Edit: and I’m sorry if I sound selfish, but I didn’t ask for any of this. She reached out, she gave me mixed messages, she vanished. I was minding my own business before this, and would have continued to do so for the foreseeable future. Yeah, I’ve reached a point where this shit is so messy, that I feel the need to start protecting myself from it.
Edit 2: and because I can’t let it rest, the only time she mentioned anything about what she wanted from me was after the second time I decided to back off, when she threw it in my face.
Instead of waiting for a breakup text from her (or being rash and sending one yourself); you at least should move on and write this off (or somehow keep it out of your thoughts). If she’s busy dealing with other things in her life; it’s not the right time. That’s not the conclusion you wanted; but you should accept it as what it is. Maybe this changes in some months / years that changes as she works out her medication (and whatever is driving the need for that medication). But based on your series of posts this isn’t healthy for you to continue pursuing.
If it’s causing you this much stress (which is what I pick up from reading your posts), this isn’t healthy for you. It will be difficult in the short term; but probably better in the long term to distance yourself from this. Things may always change in the future; but spending this much time and energy doesn’t seem like it’s a positive thing for you. It seems your need to connect is more significant than hers; it doesn’t appear to be a balanced relationship.
As far as how to create that distance and work through this on/off relationship; that’s mostly up to you. Confide in some friends; re-focus on a hobby; take up a new project that you’ve been putting off. But mostly find something to occupy your time that won’t have this level of uncertainty and stress.
Thank you, you are absolutely correct. I can tell this is unhealthy for me, I can tell I’m deeply destabilised. Not blaming her for anything, this is just the type of situation which pushes all of the wrong buttons for me.
I honestly don’t think I even have hope for anything anymore, I think I’m sticking with it based only on the thought that this is a second chance at trying to see what’d happen with her. Although I guess I have my answer to that as well, as it’s clearly not working, whatever this is…
This is exactly why I thought about cutting it off myself, I mean… what’s the point?
Figure out what’s the best way for you to reach closure. But that’s what you need now. If that’s you sending a note saying you need a break; or saying “just be friends” and texting once a month; or whatever else you feel is appropriate.
I honestly feel like this hole has been dug for way too long at this point, I’m unsure as how to even approach it.
I know it’s up to me to give myself closure and reach peace of mind, but at the same time, I genuinely don’t want to cause any more disruption in her life.
I’ve been thinking about sending another goodbye letter, but it feels weird being the third. Same with just blocking her everywhere and simply moving on, that just feels disrespectful. Besides this, there’s also the fact that she technically has the ball now, and has had it for over two weeks in which she’s said nothing, and that now serves as the basis for further discomfort now that I’m, again, waiting for her input for god knows how long…
I genuinely don’t even understand why there’s still a dialogue between us, either my end or hers. Well, in the sense that she did reply to the one message I sent her after radio silence. It’s just a confusing mess…
Have you thought of just asking her if she needs someone to talk to and just meeting up for coffee or something? Honestly, maybe she just needs help and a willing listener, and it doesn’t have to be about a relationship or sex or anything, just you helping out a friend by listening. Try making it about her and not you or “us”, even if you were in a relationship sometimes that’s what a partner needs
Thank you!
Yep, actually one of the first things I said in my reply, told her to let me know if she needs anything, or if there’s anything I can do to help. She just said “Thanks. I’ll text you,” and that was that.
Honestly, given how things have unfolded in the past three weeks, I doubt I’m the person with whom she’d want to talk…