cross-posted from: https://thelemmy.club/post/34281439

A few months prior, I had broken up with David. My relationship with him prompted me to later realize I was going through comphet, and was actually into women, not straight like I once thought.

I was looking for a girlfriend after a few months of healing and being single, and my acquaintance/friend Michael, who is a few years older than me, introduced me to Kay/K.

“I think you’ll like her,” he said.

Keep in mind that Kay was not yet out to Michael as nonbinary with they/them pronouns, but I indeed asked them for their pronouns so I didn’t misgender anyway. That’s why Michael used she/her and thought Kay was a girl.

Kay wanted to be in a sort of “talking stage” after a while, where we weren’t quite friends but we certainly weren’t dating.

Here’s where I wonder: Kay could imagine romantic stuff with me, such as holding hands and kissing, and going on dates and all that stuff, yet they didn’t want me to do that with them nor did they want to initiate that with me. They said they had a crush on me, too, as did I for them.

We did things they were okay with, such as saying “I love you” and flirting, but that was it.

They said we were just hanging out and asked me could we not make it a date for now. They also got annoyed at me for asking if we could hold hands one day and said not now but maybe in the future.

They eventually told me they were traumatized by dating, which I respect, and weren’t ready for a girlfriend nor were they ready for commitment.

So, this makes me wonder, did Kay like me romantically or did they just see me as sort of a friend? They were traumatized either way, which definitely could influence it, but yeah. I do wonder, from your guys’ perspective as an outsider.

  • squaresinger@lemmy.worldEnglish
    3·
    12 days ago

    A lot of people like the concept of being in a relationship but get cold feet when commitment becomes real.

    Looks like they wanted to be in a relationship but got scared when it became real. You see that in the examples you brought up. You are on a date, they like it, but they are adamant that this obvious date is not a date, officially.

    Saying “I love you”, which in many countries (don’t know where you are from, so that might not apply) is something you only use in a committed relationship, while being adamant that that you are only at a “talking stage”.

    Existing trauma tends to mess with dating especially in regards to taking the official steps.

    In the end, I wouldn’t worry too much about the situation. The point of dating is to have a low-stakes stage of a relationship where you can find out whether you are compatible without any real risk or cost attached to breaking up. A break-up is a successful, valid outcome of dating. Otherwise you could marry on the first date.

    Kay figured out that it wasn’t going to work, and that’s totally ok. Be happy that you aren’t wasting more time in a dead-end relationship.

    A friend of mine spent 7 years in a relationship that didn’t lead anywhere. They realized within the first year that it wasn’t going to work, but both of them were too afraid to admit that, so they stayed together until she found a new boyfriend.