DARVO. It’s an abuse tactic: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
Every woman’s had an experience like this. As quicksilver said, it’s part of DARVO, specifically the Reverse Victim and Offender bit.
Personally, I call it Schrodinger’s [Rapist / Rascist / Fascist / whatever]. They’re sounding you out. If you push back, “It was just a joke, dude, can’t you even take a joke?!” If you don’t push back, then they feel free to reveal themselves more.
Calling it “Schrodinger’s [x]” is painfully accurate. It’s just like A Narcissist’s Prayer.
It sounds like reactive abuse, where someone provokes you with the goal of causing you to react, which is then often held up to show that you are “unhinged”. It’s a common tactic with narcissists.
I’m a dv outreach worker and this is my area. DARVO is a really common tactic, and it can be really effective for them. Abusers LOVE to be seen as the victim, and in their head, they are. They have totally unrealistic expectations for their partners and the world, and think they’re hard done by when these impossible expectations aren’t met. They also don’t believe a woman has any right to say no to them. A big flag for an abuser can be that they need an extraordinary need for pity.
Internet name: niceguy
Official term: DARVO
Came to answer with DARVO.
Deny. Attack. Reverse Victim and Offender.
A vital tool to keep in mind, just as a name to place on something you’ll see daily around you.
An incel maybe ?
Heavily overused term. It’s simply abusiveness.
