I always used to get from bosses, “Hicks! How come you’re not working?”

I go, “There’s nothing to do!”

And they go, “Well, you pretend like you’re working.”

Yeah, why don’t you pretend I’m working? You get paid more than me, you fantasize, buddy! Hell, pretend I’m mopping! Knock yourself out! I’ll pretend they’re buying stuff, we can close up! Hey, I’m the boss, now you’re fired! How’s that for a fantasy, buddy?

• Bill Hicks