Honestly I’m starting to feel like I have nothing to offer. Everyone always asks what I bring to the table. When both people are working what exactly do you want me to bring to the table?
You either find something you like in me (like my mentality, personality, appearance) or you don’t, I don’t get it.
Do you want me to slave away for you or something? Also I’m pretty introverted so I cant offer you social ties or community for the most part. Guess I’m useless.
I genuinely don’t feel like most people are THAT special. Like most people aren’t rocket scientists who also have 59 obscure hobbies and write dissertations in their spare time. Wtf do people want? A positive outlook?
Ok I have a positive outlook to offer you. They’re gonna laugh in my face when I say that. Oh I’m also quirky by the way. Not like the other girls. Teehee.
Those are just givens? It’s not what I personally bring to the table that’s just what relationships are for. Empathy is part of personality imo though
This one’s kinda weird, I don’t agree that that would make someone undateable
I used to think this until I realized no one is that special. I’m only interesting to someone who might be interested. And that’s normal, you can’t always be interesting to everyone.
I have too many interests and too little time. Honestly I guess I’m just not in a place to date right now. Still doesn’t stop me from getting irritated about it, and people’s grim questions.
I mean I’m doing a lot of stuff but like, none of them are particularly interesting to the average person I would say. For example, any time I’d share something with my ex he would tell me to get over myself and that I have “main character syndrome” meaning I think I’m more important than I am, and that I don’t really matter much. I kind of agree. Nobody really matters much. I like sharing my feelings and thoughts and ideas, but I’m starting to realize no one really cares about them. Which is why I think I’m better off alone. Maybe I just am an uninteresting stupid person.
Exactly! They are givens and that’s my point! Most people, I think, don’t seek relationships based on a grocery list of things/gestures they should receive from their potential partner - in the words of Jefferson Airplane, they just “want somebody to love.” The biggest problem I find with dating nowadays is that it’s being approached and treated as a business deal while forgetting about the purely emotional and interpersonal aspects.
In regards to unaddressed trauma, fair, I did not provide enough nuance. I mean serious trauma which causes serious issues, which has not been addressed in any way, or even been avoided. And I think at least knowing one’s traumas is included in addressing them, otherwise even the most minor element may end up biting you in the ass. I dated someone who had been in a relationship with a very possessive and controlling person, to the point where their former partner had installed GPS tracking apps on their phone to monitor their comings and goings. This had been unaddressed, and by the time I showed up (a person who genuinely loves their partners going out and having fun with friends because that means I get some alone time), that unaddressed trauma turned into pure suspicion and certainty that I was just as controlling as their ex. Communication became entirely one-sided, with none of my words or actions being believed or trusted, so the only possible choice was breaking it off (which I did).
That’s why I stressed that you should be interesting to yourself first and foremost, by which I mean follow your passions. Always saw yourself as that one person who whips out a guitar from interdimensional space and starts playing Wonderwall? Do it! Don’t even think about what others may think, just be the transdimensional guitar person!
That makes sense, and it can be frustrating. The pangs of want can just be waited out. The outside questions are more of an issue, because most people really don’t understand that they should’ve stopped talking two sentences ago…
As for how interesting your stuff may be to the average person, you have no solid basis on which to draw that conclusion. You don’t know The Average Person’s mind and their preferences, people have all sorts of details they don’t share publicly at all times. Plus, again, I’d say it’s the wrong way to go about it. Focusing on who you think others would want you to be leaves zero space for you to be who you would want yourself to be, and the latter is far more vital than the former. And I think this also ties into that observation you’ve received, although in the sense that you worry too much about what other people may think of you and your life, and not enough of what you think of them and their life, or yourself and yours. Plus an uninteresting and stupid person would not go this in-depth with the insights and analyses, if you’ll allow me this small observation.
Reframe the questions: what would you like in a partner, what do you want to get out of a relationship, what is the ideal relationship for you, etc. Then, the more you reframe this and the more you answer these questions, you’ll (hopefully) start noticing that general outlines matter much more than in-depth, itemised lists.