I think I know the answer: I’m a failed adult, maybe if was still a teen I could date or get laid, since you don’t need anything to impress or really attract the other sex… As an adult without money, social life and social skills that is unobtainable.
Edit: this is NOT an “asking for advice” post, just answer the question, don’t try to analyse me like a damn specimen.
As an adult I never had a date until I was 27. I didn’t blame anyone for it, not even myself. I just never sook it out. After about a year using multiple dating apps I found what works and I got a match. We texted on the app for about a month, before moving to direct text messages. Then after another month she finally asked me out. (lord knows I wasn’t gonna do it)
Dating apps suck though. Unless you’re in the top 15% of attractiveness you get very little attention. If you want to meet people then I’d highly suggest finding in person groups for your interests. Don’t just immediately approach the first woman you see. If it’s a male dominated space then every other guy will be trying the same thing. First figure out how to get along with the existing members.
There are plenty of free activities too. My co worker has been trying to get me into our offices run club and there’s a ton of women there. But most importantly focus on being a fun person. Nobody wants to date a mope who drags everyone down.
Stay off the incel forums bro, unless you want to be one forever. They might seem like an understanding support system, but those guys have real toxic and self-sabotaging ideas about dating and women in general.
That’s why I’m not asking for advice
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I’m not getting those vibes… I think you’re being overly harsh here
If you’re here just to insult me then leave
I’m sorry, that came off as meaner than I meant it to be. I’m genuinely trying to convince you that if you get your mind and attitude in a better place, you’ll have no trouble with dating. Learn to love yourself and the rest will follow.
First off, teens absolutely do need to impress and attract the other sex.
Have you seen anyone about depression?
Is not the same and you know it. Being half decent looking and not a complete mess and you’re good to go. You don’t need money, too bad as a teenager I was too shy and childish, having 0 interest in getting laid.
I do know it. Anyone that was ever been turned down in highschool knows it. Certainly anyone that has turned someone down knows it too.
Getting laid isn’t the all important star in the sky the movies make you think it is. You might be putting more importance on it than you should.
Being self loathing is a huge turn off for relationships. Work on your depression, walk with your back straight and chin up, eyes open.
It is when NEVER happened in your life and you’re alone like a dog, my reality isn’t self loathing you don’t know me. I walk with the eyes open enough
That’s why I’m telling you it’s not that important. So you don’t need to feel like it is important when it isn’t.
Im glad you keep your eyes open. That’s a good thing.
I disagree here. The actual mechanical thing is not important but just feeling like someone wants to do that with you means feeling normal.
If nobody wants, you will feel awful. Your entire value of being worth anything rests on this.
I don’t know if I can explain it better.
It is
I had zero interest in getting laid as a teenager as well, but my lack of interest was because I had other priorities. If you were in a similar place in your teens, then I don’t think there’s anything to regret. It isn’t fair to judge yourself at one point in life from another - in each moment we only have so much information available and, ideally, we make decisions with that we consider good with that information.
My teenage was as miserable as well
You haven’t failed. Sometimes life gets in the way.
I’m also working on these things
If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?
You don’t need to love yourself to love others.
My father never loved himself yet he “secured” my mother for 11 years.
Your comment speaks words about how toxic your mindset is. Therapy would be a great place to start.
What the hell are you talking about
It is unlikely your father would have boiled his relationship with your mother down to him having “secured” her. It is an unusual term to use. It’s not that it’s not technically true. It’s that it breezes past all the ways most people refer to relationships and instead characterizes it as one way possession of property. That’s what people are reacting to. In what community have you immersed yourself or what mindset have you gotten yourself into where that’s the first word of choice.
If I could only recommend one resource for learning about interacting with others, it would be Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.
You don’t have to have money or a brimming social life to go on dates or have meaningful relationships. You do have to make some effort at building those relationships though. The book I mentioned will teach you a lot of the basics.
That’s not what I asked though
Are you looking for someone to commiserate with or some actually useful advice? Because working on fundamental social skills is exactly the advice you need. Relationships are certainly attainable, if you put in the work.
Look at their post history. They have serious issues that need to be addressed by professionals but won’t/are unable to get help for whatever reason. They post a lot of these doom and gloom questions.
They’re seeking affirmation that their life sucks and that there’s nothing they can do about it because that’s easier than addressing the problem. It’s a vicious cycle of mental illness reinforcing the mental illness. Internet conversations are not likely to be any help to them.
You’re insulting me
You’re insulting yourself by protecting insecurities.
Who the hell asked for advice? It had to do nothing with my question
I can’t relate to your question since that has not been my experience.
Then this post isn’t for you
Yes.
Do you want to date or are you feeling like you should at your age? I only ask because I don’t want to make suggestions if deep down you’re happy with your current single status and find enjoyment in other areas of life.
If you want to date more then I would think there are things that you already do in life now that would be attractive to other people. Not everyone is about money or social status. Many other people are in the same boat and are just looking for companionship or a partner that they can lean on and vice versa.
Also agreeing to a date is common even before you know a person’s wealth, social status, etc. That’s kind of the point of going on a date is to learn more about the person. So are you having trouble meeting people to even ask to date or are you asking people and not getting a positive response?
One last thought, you seem a little down on yourself. I could be reading too much into this but I don’t get the impression you feel very confident in your value. You called yourself a failed adult. Thats something others can pick up on and it doesn’t always come across as attractive. If that’s how you truly feel then perhaps you can look at ways to feel better about your value or build up your confidence which will certainly be an attractive quality people will notice.
I hope this helps. I obviously don’t know you but I know everyone has something to offer. Sometimes you need to look inward and see the value yourself before others may see it.
I never really had the urge to seek romantic relationships. Maybe I’m asexual/aromantic. Idk.
It’s possible that you are aromantic. I suggest reading more about it on AVEN or the Trevor project!
You could be aromantic
Porn gets me hard and I wanna experience sex and affection, I don’t think that’s the case.
Liking porn doesn’t invalidate an aromantic identity. Nor does wanting an intimate or emotional relationship.
Woe is me, you’re not not attractive because of your financial status, you’re not attractive because when you put others on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on you.
If you can’t be comfortable or happy by yourself than you can’t go out of your way for others. Like how on an airplane you put your oxygen mask on before helping others put their mask on.
I had a bad bout of depression and opted to remove myself from social situations instead during my 20s. Once you realize that if other people have a problem with your problems more than you have with your own problems, that’s their issue…it is an epiphany. Even absolutely successful people have endless haters, just put on horse blinders and tell yourself “fuck it” and just do what makes you happy.
You’ll bump into people who want to hang out as you keep doing activities for yourself. If you like hiking or drawing, hike and draw. If you like running go run. I guarantee the people also doing those things have something to talk about to open the Pandoras box of conversation.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Good luck, it’s a process. Gotta learn how to respect yourself the same or more than you want to have others like you.
I don’t like anything dude. I’m already struggling at just existing.
Calling bull on your pity party. I met my wife because she messaged me online about smash bros. If you do anything besides eating pooping and sleeping then you will have an interest. If not then you should do anything besides eating pooping and sleeping and seeing if you had a good time. Here’s a start… You know what you DON’T like right? So do opposites. If you hate watching TV then read a book. If you hate computers then pick up woodworking. I’m not your dad and can’t tell you what to do, but I guarantee you know what you don’t want to do. Start there.
I like videogames too and that got me nowhere. That’s the only thing I like and I hate and gave up on the rest, I can’t afford anything anyways.
I just want to reiterate that each response you’ve given is dismissive and also you’re putting yourself down. Each comment. So it’s okay to focus on your self esteem first by breaking the cyclical issue of (I don’t have hobbies, therefore I am lame. I am lame because I have no hobbies) and you have to get uncomfortable and force yourself to do something new or stop doing something you think is problematic. The hard part isn’t doing that though, the hard part is doing that again and again. The first week you’ll be reminding yourself a lot but over the first month or two you will simply be someone who does x thing.
Clean your room. Make your bed. Every day. Seriously it’s a easy way to physically and visually start seeing a daily change that makes a difference. Maybe it’s lame or pointless but it’s definitely progress when you’re stuck in a rut.
Dude I already clean my room and the family apartment, do you think I live under a bridge or something? That won’t get me anywhere, I’ve been doing that all my life, I don’t even have my own place
We all are.
If your question is serious there are 2 things to do. First recognize the fact that if you believe that you are a loser you will come off that way to other people. When a guy lacks all confidence others can “smell” it on him like a dog. If you stay in that rut it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that you will always be a loser. 2ND - Don’t waste your time with bars and dating sites. Find clubs in your area. Stuff like hiking or biking, trips to art shows, anything that is going to have both males and females. You will find many females in these clubs who are there for the same reason as you. To meet someone. Get to know them a bit and then ask them to join you for coffee or a drink. And don’t get discouraged if you get turned down on your first few attempts. Consider them practice. Eventually someone will say yes.
Trips? Hiking? Clubs? Dude that’s not me, I don’t like that shit and plus I’m low class broke, I couldn’t afford any of that anyways. I’m already tired of working
