Reminder that you don’t need to be married to have this.
I was head-over-heels in love with my best friend when I was in my late teens/early 20’s. We had a short-lived romance. Turned out he was quietly suffering through severe depression and killed himself; it destroyed me for a long time.
However, I made a new best friend. We trauma bonded a bit, as he also went through a deep loss. We’ve been together for 10 years, 4 of them married. I love him to death. He’s my ride or die.
There are so many things couples put blinders on, but it’s important to always communicate. I’ve learned that though it’s really hard to express some of your deepest insecurities and feelings, it’s better to discuss the things that you’re struggling with, because a good partner isn’t perfect, yet they will love you, listen to your problems, accept your faults, and help you work on building a life together. Some days you’ll carry the heavier load, other days your partner will.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that a happy marriage takes effort from both partners, and even the most perfect couple has work to do. It’s important to be open about what’s important to you, especially if that changes over time. Everyone hits bumps in the road.
I can’t recommend therapy enough. For any reason. Life is worth living. It gets easier, and with the right support you can heal and grow.
I have been married for 24 years and it’s been a mostly happy marriage. I also do consider my wife to be my best friend. But it’s silly to think that you will come home every day and be happy about dealing with another human, no matter who they are. Sometimes I will come home or my wife will come home and I won’t want to be around her because I won’t want to be around anyone. That’s just how life is. My wife is cool with it and I’m cool with when she wants the same.
Alone time is an important resource, especially when kids.
Absolutely.
The best part is you don’t even have to be married to have this
My [second] wife is the coolest person ever and my best friend. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. She came into my life when I wasn’t even looking.
My first wife was a horrible person who convinced me that I was better off being single. I was perfectly content with that. It is much better to be alone than to be with someone who fills your life with misery.
If you’re reading the OP and feeling sad about your own circumstances, I totally get it because I’ve been there. Bad relationships or the breakdown of a relationship are really hard. You can get through it. Remember to take care of yourself. Prioritize spending time on things that bring you joy. Find someone to talk to, even if it’s just some random guy on the Internet. And know that it absolutely can get better.
The person who wrote this has not met many married people. I don’t think they ever had a best friend either.
After being a few months away from being married and seeing it all fall apart I’ve realized that I don’t ever want to be married.
Doesn’t mean I don’t want a long term relationship but I don’t want to tie the knot and tangle up my life like that ever again. If we had gotten married then divorced my ex would have ruined me. I was too soft at that time and I would have let her use me as a doormat on the way out. I know better now but I still don’t want to deal with those complications.
To those who feel saddened by this, always remember that you can be your own best friend. Treat yourself.
I’m living that life and we’re not even married yet. 5 years since this June. Never been happier :)
My partner and I are on year 8? I think? Neither of us care about anniversaries or any of that stuff, so we lose track often.
We just fit. We rarely disagree, and when we disagree, we’re civil about it. There’s no yelling and screaming about who is right.
It’s genuinely co-op mode, and we pair up to get stuff done regularly, but when no co-op is required, we just keep living our lives, together.
So I put a ring on it. Planning to sign the papers next year to make it official.
Congratulations! It’s very much the same for us here. We do get into occasional arguments but it’s usually either very minute and unimportant things or it’s just a misunderstanding that get solved easily.
Our anniversary this year was also very low-key - I think we didn’t even gift each other anything (super noteworthy) . We used to go crazy in our first few years but we just appreciate and value our time together
I’ve long said that how you handle arguments will make or break a relationship (whether romantic or not).
The fact is, if either person gets too emotionally invested in a viewpoint, and they won’t let go of that emotion, then it’s doomed to failure. If that happens regularly or all the time, it will easily condemn the relationship.
Respecting other people viewpoint, acknowledging their viewpoint, and most importantly, exercising active listening even to things you don’t agree with, is paramount, and the foundation on which you can build a functional compromise that satisfies everyone involved.
Compromise is an important part of it, but the key factor is how you handle the difficulties. If you’re bad at brainstorming and problem solving, then arguments and breakups will happen. Most people want to be heard, so active listening, especially for someone you care deeply about, is a major part of the equation.
Very good points. Don’t have anything to add :)
Going on 11 years here. Though we sometimes disagree, but that is rare to the bliss we find in one another. And yes she is my best friend and lover.
Can’t wait for these comments to be depressing
They’re not wrong, but you’re not either. Nothing is perfect all the time and the OP statement really leaves a lot out. Been married for 20 years. Would do it all again. That’s what matters.
This post is going to make some people very sad and some people very happy and I guess I’m here for that. Life is alllll sorts of experiences, good and bad. Just gotta roll with it.
And some of us just, meh. Tried the co-op mode and found that the people I’m attracted to aren’t good for me. Now I’m just looking forward to retiring before I’m 50, and surfing. That and having tons of dogs that I foster and train to be good, and then adopt out. I’m not a good dog parent because I can’t see them as anything but needy toddlers. Therefore annoying. I can’t foster cats because I couldn’t adopt the cats out. The dogs are at least consistently needing the same repetition so that they become good dogs for some family out there.
At first I imagined actually getting into the fetal position and rolling on the ground, but then I realized that’s only my fetish… You were obviously talking about trains.
I’d rather just not tbh but I don’t want to leave a me shaped hole in people’s lives
I get that
Wife doesn’t love me, least not the way I love her. Just had the talk, this post is downright brutal right now.
I’m really sorry. I just had a friend go through the same thing and I was counseling him last night. I will say something similar to you that I did to him:
It all seems awful right now, but you will get past it. Remember that there are other people in your life who love you even if it’s platonic love. On top of that, I had a good friend who was good looking and friendly, someone people enjoyed being around. He was single for 15 years. He got married in his mid-40s to someone I can tell he will be very happy with.
There’s always time to find love, even if you’ve lost the love you’ve had before.
Now granted, I have been married for more than two decades, so feel free to tell me to fuck off with this advice.
Yeah, I’m just gonna give you a hug right now.
Yeah. Big hug.
People never stop changing. It’s the risk of making the commitment. You’re trying to join two winding creeks together with a piece of string. When things break up, it hurts, but it’s not failure, just change.
I’m pulling for you, we’re all in this together.
Enjoy it for me, friends. I’m just an NPC.
*"Listen, happy endings is fine if they turn out happy,” said Granny, glaring at the sky. “But you can’t make ‘em for other people. Like the only way you could make a happy marriage is by cuttin’ their heads off as soon as they say ‘I do’, yes? You can’t make happiness…” Granny Weatherwax stared at the distant city.
shut up grandma. people are allowed to get to know each other before they’re married now. also they’re allowed to get a divorce so they don’t have to resort to slowly poisoning their spouse.
Wooosh
Do NOT talk to Granny Weatherwax like that.
Grew up assuming this would never happen so I never tried, and now I prolly won’t ever try
