Hello dads,

I’ll be a dad myself shortly, and it’s entirely planned, we discussed the idea and then worked towards making it happen. My wife is over the moon and loving the whole process and I’m struggling to see it as a positive change. All I’m seeing is more bills and tasks.

I want to be excited and enthusiastic during the pregnancy (and of course afterwards) but I’m struggling to see this as a positive change for our next - at least - 5 years.

It’s causing some stress between my wife and I, when really I’d much prefer we were bonding now in preparation for the stress our relationship is going to need to endure after the baby arrives.

I guess this is partly just venting, I feel like anyone I know that I might say this to, would think I’m a bad person considering it was entirely planned and now I’m not feeling it after its too late to undo, but if anyone has some ideas on how I can focus more on the positives (I do see them… watching their personality growing, seeing the world from their fresh perspective, a sense of investment in the future, etc. I just struggle to focus on them) of this and less on the incoming bills and sleepless night and relationship stress, so my wife and I can bond, it’d mean a lot to me.

I’m also concerned that I’m seeing the baby as a problem instead of a… Source of joy? and that this might mean I don’t really have a natural parental instinct, so I won’t love it like I should, but instead see it as a series of chores and costs and problems.

  • @echoEnglish
    1•6 months ago

    There’s not a lot to go with here, so I’m going to make a ton of assumptions. Feel free to course-correct as you feel the need and as appropriate.

    There is no question that your life is now permanently changed. Your statement about this being a negative (or not positive) for the next 5 years makes it sound like you didn’t really fully buy in. It seems like you treated it like putting up new curtains or choosing a color to paint your house with the idea that you can change it again in 5 years. This is a bell that cannot be un-rung.

    So, now that I’ve possibly kicked you in the head with the reality of the situation, what is there to be done? I hear you focusing on the practicalities and costs of being a parent with the bills and tasks. Instead, I’d encourage you to reconnect with your wife. She’s going through this, too. Instead of focusing on the bills, the mouth to feed, and the chores, focus on how this is all part of the journey with your life partner. It’s not nearly as important where you are going as that you are on the journey together. Focus on the ‘together’. Make it a shared experience. This will allow both of you to share the joys and, importantly, share the stress.

    If you’re experiencing regrets about how this is going to change your ability to ‘hang out with the buddies’ or to do certain hobbies, then I’d say you’re focusing too much on yourself and other relationships. As your life partner, your wife and this experience is (or should be) the most important thing in the world right now. If you’re rejecting that notion, you really need to think about why you’re not ‘all in’ on this relationship.

    I don’t know how old you are nor how long you’ve been married. Having been married 35 years myself, I can say that you’ll have to recommit to your life partner many, many times throughout the journey. Getting squared away on that concept now will serve you well along the way. You don’t know and can’t really control what’s going to happen, but you can commit that no matter what life brings that it will be a fully shared experience with your wife. It’s not the journey that matters. It’s who you travel with that matters.