My version - I need to constantly remind those around me that I am helpful and provide services or they’ll forget I exist.
No joke, that’s what my life has taught me. People don’t hate me, but if I stop gently reminding them I exist, then they’ll forget me. It’s happened many, many times. I’ve come to accept that I’m not inherently likable.
God I’m having issues with that right now. I don’t make friends or anything like that. I’m not good with people. But I had met someone who would repeatedly call me their friend. They moved away but said we could still be friends and everything but it was all a lie. They never really liked me and never text me or anything. They repeatedly told me when they were going to be in town, but didn’t end up wanting to hang out when they were here. I told them how upset I was at turning 30 when I had saw them but they flat out forgot it was my birthday and never said anything despite me texting them happy birthday a week prior.
It just sucks, man. I know it’s stupid for me to be this upset about something so dumb. But I don’t make friends easily and no one calls me their friend. So when it all ends up to be a lie then I just have the hardest time getting over it.
There’s a lot to unpack here, I’m not getting into that, but here’s one thing: I have friends I haven’t called in two years. They’re still my friends. I have a lot going on in my head, sometimes I should congratulate someone for their birthday but my brain is like, naaah, not now, heeeeey, Macarena. And suddenly it’s been two weeks and shit, can’t really call now, can I?
My sister has been known to call me on her birthday late at night and telling me sternly that it’s her birthday and wants to be congratulated about right now, goddamnit. Great! I can work with that. That helps with that problem.
The whole thing you write about the friendship being a lie made me frown a bit, I feel I want to give some comment on that: A friendship isn’t a hard linked state. Relationships with people are more of a dynamic web, connections fluctuate over time, depending on available resources, shared interests and mental state of everyone. New connections are made, sometimes old connections drain too much energy one way and thus get less time and energy scheduled automatically, as a form of self protection. It’s just what happens. At that point the web loses a connection. It helps a lot at that moment to have an actual web, not just a single thread to hang on. That puts a lot of force on the anchor point of that single thread and that’s usually not a great situation for either side, see above.
Please understand…I don’t normally mind if someome doesn’t wish me happy birthday. Hell, I usually don’t like too much attention. It’s that we specifically talked about it and it was specifically noted to be a big deal to me because I was having a hard time with turning 30. We specifically talked about it being a big deal to me. It’s not like a regular birthday to me.
They specifically said they would text me to keep up with things after they moved away but they didn’t, even though I periodically would text. They specifically and repeatedly told me about being in town for a specific set of dates and then didn’t actully find time to hang out when they were here.
Here’s the thing…they didn’t need to repeatedly tell me when they were coming in to town if they didn’t want to do anything or if they knew they would be too busy.
They didn’t need to tell me they would try to keep in touch if they didn’t want to or knew they wouldn’t do it.
It’s going back on your word is what hurts.
I get that people have busy lives. That’s fine.
But to get my hopes up about things and then never end up keeping your word with anything really hurts. And it really does make it feel like they never liked me.
If the answer you say is to find even more people like that… I have a hard enough time making friends as it is. What is even the point of existing at that point if I can’t do what I’m supposed to do? And when I do rarely find someone they just leave anyway?
But the issue here is so deep that it is hard to explain.
First, obviously, if someone doesn’t care to give back that relationship isn’t worth your time anyway. But you probably know.
Second, when you are there for others but not entirely there from your own base of security, it is received as a temporary interaction, no matter if it is a pleasant or “profitable” interaction
Third, when you get back from a relationship, when they freely give to you, you probably can not fully identify that it has happened, and when you prompt yourself constantly for if you get enough you don’t have proof. So to expand on this one, you need to be super conscious about if it just feels like you are forgotten but in reality you have been appreciated and praised but it slipped off you.
You will never receive enough energy attention and love by struggling for it. This is because you never control others, and if you manage to do that, it will be truly just sabotaging any possible real unconditional friendship or love.
You can just give from your side, be so secure in yourself that you have the ability to evaluate objectively if you want to have the relationship if it doesn’t really give you joy in life
My version - I need to constantly remind those around me that I am helpful and provide services or they’ll forget I exist.
No joke, that’s what my life has taught me. People don’t hate me, but if I stop gently reminding them I exist, then they’ll forget me. It’s happened many, many times. I’ve come to accept that I’m not inherently likable.
Fuck that’s so relatable, I hate it. I can’t keep track of the number of
friendsfriendships I’ve had just evaporate the moment I stop texting first.Edit: lol
God I’m having issues with that right now. I don’t make friends or anything like that. I’m not good with people. But I had met someone who would repeatedly call me their friend. They moved away but said we could still be friends and everything but it was all a lie. They never really liked me and never text me or anything. They repeatedly told me when they were going to be in town, but didn’t end up wanting to hang out when they were here. I told them how upset I was at turning 30 when I had saw them but they flat out forgot it was my birthday and never said anything despite me texting them happy birthday a week prior.
It just sucks, man. I know it’s stupid for me to be this upset about something so dumb. But I don’t make friends easily and no one calls me their friend. So when it all ends up to be a lie then I just have the hardest time getting over it.
There’s a lot to unpack here, I’m not getting into that, but here’s one thing: I have friends I haven’t called in two years. They’re still my friends. I have a lot going on in my head, sometimes I should congratulate someone for their birthday but my brain is like, naaah, not now, heeeeey, Macarena. And suddenly it’s been two weeks and shit, can’t really call now, can I?
My sister has been known to call me on her birthday late at night and telling me sternly that it’s her birthday and wants to be congratulated about right now, goddamnit. Great! I can work with that. That helps with that problem.
The whole thing you write about the friendship being a lie made me frown a bit, I feel I want to give some comment on that: A friendship isn’t a hard linked state. Relationships with people are more of a dynamic web, connections fluctuate over time, depending on available resources, shared interests and mental state of everyone. New connections are made, sometimes old connections drain too much energy one way and thus get less time and energy scheduled automatically, as a form of self protection. It’s just what happens. At that point the web loses a connection. It helps a lot at that moment to have an actual web, not just a single thread to hang on. That puts a lot of force on the anchor point of that single thread and that’s usually not a great situation for either side, see above.
Please understand…I don’t normally mind if someome doesn’t wish me happy birthday. Hell, I usually don’t like too much attention. It’s that we specifically talked about it and it was specifically noted to be a big deal to me because I was having a hard time with turning 30. We specifically talked about it being a big deal to me. It’s not like a regular birthday to me.
They specifically said they would text me to keep up with things after they moved away but they didn’t, even though I periodically would text. They specifically and repeatedly told me about being in town for a specific set of dates and then didn’t actully find time to hang out when they were here.
Here’s the thing…they didn’t need to repeatedly tell me when they were coming in to town if they didn’t want to do anything or if they knew they would be too busy.
They didn’t need to tell me they would try to keep in touch if they didn’t want to or knew they wouldn’t do it.
It’s going back on your word is what hurts.
I get that people have busy lives. That’s fine.
But to get my hopes up about things and then never end up keeping your word with anything really hurts. And it really does make it feel like they never liked me.
If the answer you say is to find even more people like that… I have a hard enough time making friends as it is. What is even the point of existing at that point if I can’t do what I’m supposed to do? And when I do rarely find someone they just leave anyway?
Might have stopped wanting to hang out with a fuckin debbie downer all the time. I’ve dropped friendships because that shit is exhausting.
I do not do that all the time. I was having a hard time with that one particular thing and I only complained about it when directly asked.
What I am hurt about is people going back on their word on what they say to me.
We live in soem whirlwind society that has us doing BS all the time cause productive. That being said losing friends like that is so sad…
Definitely not true.
But the issue here is so deep that it is hard to explain.
First, obviously, if someone doesn’t care to give back that relationship isn’t worth your time anyway. But you probably know.
Second, when you are there for others but not entirely there from your own base of security, it is received as a temporary interaction, no matter if it is a pleasant or “profitable” interaction
Third, when you get back from a relationship, when they freely give to you, you probably can not fully identify that it has happened, and when you prompt yourself constantly for if you get enough you don’t have proof. So to expand on this one, you need to be super conscious about if it just feels like you are forgotten but in reality you have been appreciated and praised but it slipped off you.
You will never receive enough energy attention and love by struggling for it. This is because you never control others, and if you manage to do that, it will be truly just sabotaging any possible real unconditional friendship or love.
You can just give from your side, be so secure in yourself that you have the ability to evaluate objectively if you want to have the relationship if it doesn’t really give you joy in life
What if you want them all to forget?
I kinda wish. I wish I didn’t crave approval and companionship, but I do. I feel it as intense as any hunger pang.