I’m going to try and keep this clear and concise.
I’m not confident in my parenting. I don’t feel like I’ve been a good parent, but I have done the best that I can with the tools and resources that I have.
My 18 y/o has lived with us since she was 4. My partner has been in my 18y/o’s life since they were 13 months old.
18y/o is copy->paste of their deadbeat mother and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know what I can do about it at this point.
I have tried to instill structure, while allowing wiggle room at times. I recognize that it’s my job as the parent to draw hard lines and it’s my kids job to push the boundaries and cross those lines.
18y/o is almost mute around us. Doesn’t communicate much of anything beyond surface level ‘pleasantries’. And it’s more often than not, anything but pleasant. They (biological female) are diagnosed with ADHD, ‘change disorder’, anxiety and depression. I’ve done so much reading trying to figure out this person and how I can help, but nothing seems to help. Kid has never really be honest with therapists. Lies for no reason, and doubles down even when presented with irrefutable evidence that they’ve been caught. If I had to ‘self-diagnose’, they have ODD and are a sociopath, but I’ve seen how they behave around friends and peers. They only have disregard for us. Outside the home, they are a people pleaser. But if we suggest something, or ask for something to be done, it’s a fight, every time.
They are a senior in high school, is a good student when there’s nothing rocking their boat, but had steadily declining grades as the school year presses on. I have no idea what’s going on in their life, everything is responded to with a random selection of the following list:
I don’t know
I don’t remember
I don’t know how you want me to answer that
Do you want me to respond?
I don’t see what the problem is.
I don’t see how this is a big deal.
The current argument is regarding whether we should be expected to wake them up for school in the morning. I’ve already put my foot down about it, and since December 1st, they’ve already walked themselves to school twice because they overslept.
They are impossible to motivate. When things finally come to a head and an argument breaks out, which typically boils over because there can be no constructive conversation with someone who is either unable or unwilling to have a conversation. And only when the argument breaks out do we get any action on anything, and then it’s an overcorrection. For example, we’ve been pushing for them to fill out scholarship applications for 8 months. We’ve had friends provide spreadsheets with links to what we collectively think are viable scholarships, for no action responses. Then when we finally get a break in the wall, they fill out scholarship applications for tens of thousands of dollars for enrollment in a school states away with misleading GPA information. We are not in a financial position to accommodate that kind of enrollment, even if we wanted to support the decision. It comes off as an “I’ll show them” move.
Nevermind the drivers license thing. Can’t get them to get off their ass and get their license. It’s been a battle for 2 years. Something always goes wrong. Last time I pressed on it hard, we ended up in intensive outpatient therapy.
They’re unmanageable and I don’t know what to do for or with them. Our home is small, 800 sqft and it’s a hell hole. My partner has almost left me twice over this kid’s behavior over the years. Partner and kid do not get along at all at this point, and has lead to a false CPS report so my kid could try and move in with their crush’s family.
There so much context missing but there’s no time or room for 18 years of back story.
I don’t know if there’s a question here, but I need help or support, or something. Any stories or advice anyone cares to relay would be appreciated. I’m terrified that once this kid leaves, I’m never going to hear from them again. But I can’t control that, and I recognize it.
Thanks for reading.
The kid’s an adult now. In my household that would mean a place to live at long as they are in school full time, working full time, or convince me that their alternative is actually reasonable. You also have a list of basic chores for them that are fair based on an even split. Other than that you get the help you ask for. It sounds like the lesson your kid needs to learn now is how to cope with things after your parents stop micromanaging you and it all falls apart.
To get to that point you have to be willing to let everything fall apart. If they move out to couch surf, or be homeless, or something else, you tell them you love them and if they ever want help you will welcome then back and help them figure things out.
But until they want that, they won’t take it.
This is helpful to me. It reminds me a of a conversation I’ve had with with a friend with a similar neuro divergent family member. So thank you for the reminder.
How can we as a family unit enforce those basic chores to be completed? It’s been a trigger fest for ten years and has been the number one issue in our home. Chores are never and have never been done without becoming a problem. I’ve never done the roommate thing so this kind of conflict resolution isn’t something I’ve ever dealt with.
My issues stem from my teens expectations of me. They expect me to wake them up for school or expect me to pick them up from work. It’s absurd.
This sounds like something my therapist helped me realize about both my kid and myself.
When things come easy and naturally, we (my kid and myself, possibly your kid as well) appear as rockstars, and we feel as rockstars. We get recognized and praised for things that we excel at with little effort.
Thats great and all…until effort is needed. And then panic. And the natural response to that is fight/flight/freeze.
Compounding that, we let perfect be the enemy of good. Subliminally, failing with minimal effort is more acceptable to us than putting in a ton of effort for anything that won’t stroke our egos more than something that comes easily.
This is basically perfectionism.
Now, add ADHD to that and you’ve got quite a mess. You’ve got someone who can easily hyperfocus on things that you don’t want/need them to do, because they get that sweet sweet dopamine…and they are going to hyperfocus because it’s so much easier than working hard and not getting the dopamine.
Honestly I don’t think there’s much to do for it except realization and cognitive behavior therapy. For both of you. Your part is equally important. If they complete a task you need to show honest appreciation for it, even the small stuff. Your tone in these posts comes across as a bit frustrated and fed up. If that tone carries across to your conversation with your kid, they will pick up on that and it’ll contribute to the feedback loop…”why should I even bother if dad doesn’t care”.
Celebrating small victories (tincluding he “participation trophies” that boomers love to joke about while they themselves popularized them) isn’t about empty gestures or making everybody feel special just for warm and fuzzies. It’s a subtle psychological trick to prevent exactly what you’re facing.
Regarding the chores, I’d say you can’t require it, but in my household that would have been where my allowance money comes from. No chores, no money.
They will have to make a choice, maybe several. Your job right now is to let them learn what consequences each choice brings with it so they can start learning to chart their own course.