One time like 10 years ago I was at a party and my crush was there. It was a bunch of musicians and basically everyone was smoking weed, but she was one of maybe 3 drunk people there. She was slurring her words, falling down drunk and no one was helping her.

She slurred out “I need to go to the b***room…” So I thought she either needs to go to the “bathroom” because she’s gonna be sick, or the “bedroom” because she’s gonna pass out and it’s her friend’s house. I help her back to the hallway - bedroom’s one side, bathroom is the other - and she pulls me toward the bedroom.

Now this girl was blasted… There’s no way I’m gonna try anything. I just wanna get her to a place where she won’t fall and break her face or drown in her own vomit.

I helped her to the bed and turn to leave and she grabs my leg…

Her: “Come on…” Me: “come on, what?” Her: “do your thing… Do your stuff” Me: “What stuff?”

(She sits up)

Her: “you… And me…” (Wildly smashes hands together) Me: “yeah… That doesn’t seem like a good idea” Her (still slurring her words): “come ooonnnn, I’m not that drunk” Me: “Tell you what. If you give me three coherent sentences so I know the lights are on, and I will fuck you into next weekend.” Her (eyes rolling in opposite directions): “buh… Gahnt… Ack…lep” Me: “ok. Good night. I’ll let Friend know you’re back here”

I go to walk away and she grabs me again.

Her (suddenly lucid and making eye contact with perfect speech): It’s now or never dude. Me: “Well in that case it’s never.”

So I walked away, because I don’t need that kinda mindfuck.

I’m happily married to someone with the same first name.

Drunk girl died of cancer.