Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight.

BOCA RATON, Fla. — Conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro called for a boycott of Zoltar machines after his wish to become “big” went unfulfilled for the 4,000th day straight, confirmed sources who learned about this news against their will.

  • @moistclump@lemmy.worldEnglish
    88•3 months ago

    God they’re good

    “It’s outrageous that these devices are allowed to perpetuate lies,” said Shapiro, standing on his tippy toes. “I paid a quarter, an American quarter, to a machine that was probably manufactured in China. I made my wish. I spoke clearly and with authority. I said ‘I wish I was big.’ The machine started laughing at me and then deposited a piece of paper for me to read that said, ‘Your wish has not been granted.’ I climbed down off the box I take everywhere with me and I left the carnival right there and then. Stay tuned for seven or eight more podcasts about this exact situation.”

    • @moistclump@lemmy.worldEnglish
      55•3 months ago

      At press time, after trying several more Zoltar machines, Shapiro claims to be turning to darker magic in a desperate attempt to grow but without a soul to sell, he is stuck being a teeny wittle boy.

      • @BallsandBayonetsEnglish
        4•3 months ago

        The Onion is great about sneaking in the best joke in the last sentence.