I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I’m following a guidebook on divorce.

My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn’t love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she’s still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It’s not even as-if there’s a void, it’s a gaping hole through to the other side.

I don’t know if she’s dead. I don’t know if she’s ok. I don’t know anything, and I’m afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I’d never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It’s a divorce. It’s what you do, isn’t it?

I just want her to know it wasn’t so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but… why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?

It’s just a waste of time, isn’t it? We should just move on, but… can I? 15 years. I’m 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I’m stuck on her being ok. I don’t even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she’s ok.

She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I’d know how she is, I guess, but she’d have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.

Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. “Just don’t think about it!” Easy talk…

  • @cabbagee@sopuli.xyzEnglish
    5•1 year ago

    Just because you don’t love her as a wife doesn’t mean you have to stop loving her on other levels. It’s beautiful that you care for her and maybe there is a non-romantic relationship for you two in the future. There’s a reason you were drawn together in the first place. Maybe you’ll find you’re better off as friends. Maybe extended family. Maybe just a fond memory.

    It sounds too soon to build a new relationship, but you could drop a line saying you’re still there if she ever needs you. Take time and try to focus on finding out what kind of life you want to make for yourself. Set goals and take baby steps. Best of luck, friend.